www.cbc.ca/news/viewpoint/vp_chua/20020903.html
September 3, 2002
by June Chua

I was 30 and living a lie. A couple of years ago, between slurps of noodles at a Chinese cafe, I decided to tell my mother something I felt she should know.

For years, I knew I never wanted children. I was tired of the charade: always having to smile while people hinted that I should be having kids soon, or changing the topic if the conversation got too probing. It was hard to pick the right moment. So when I went to Edmonton to visit my older sister, who had just given birth to a baby boy, I decided the charade was over. Here I was at the café with Mom, anxious. How would I broach this? When I was a teenager, this was the woman who came home with bags of baby clothing because it was on sale. She was stocking up.

Just who was going to have all these children? There was a time, a very long time ago, when I played with dolls and dreamed about Prince Charming, when I fantasized about having a house, cars, cats and kids. That all became less appealing as I grew up. I looked around me and saw both happy families and families in trouble. Babies are all right, I suppose, but I rarely got along with children. Now I know: I don't want to have the little critters.

I tried to anticipate all the reactions Mom was going to have. By that time, I felt I'd heard everything. Choosing life sans children is fraught with minefields - mainly having to deal with people who just can't seem to comprehend this rather personal decision. When people don't like my take on babies, they get their backs up. They feel as if it's a judgment on their lifestyle. The reaction, too often, is: "Traitor to The Cause."

"Having your own isn't like dealing with other people's children," say the babymakers.

"Having your own isn't like dealing with other people's children," say the babymakers. But I really don't feel comfortable with children and I have no maternal instincts. There's no need to experiment with this. We're talking about human beings, not whether I like vanilla ice cream. Other people simply choose to believe that I'm selfish. Oh yeah, I live my life according to the Temple of Me. Just because I don't have a baby to take care of, doesn't mean I don't care. And then there's the old adage that motherhood is the full expression of womanhood. This is a tough one. Yes, I have ovaries and, no, I don't want to use them. We have vestigial organs that we don't use. Look at the appendix (and with some people, the brain). A few years ago, a co-worker, a father of two, looked at me with concern when I told him children just weren't in my future.

"Maybe, you're just not with the right person."

Let me put it in a way everyone can understand: even if the lust of my loins - Harrison Ford - were to beg me to have a love-child with him, it would still be a flat-out "no." One of my all-time favourite reactions is: "You're going to be old and lonely." My response? Have you been to a senior's home lately? And by the way, a 1998 study published in the Journal of Gerontology discovered there were no differences in loneliness and depression between parents and childless adults.

I have met women over 50 who have opted out of the family stream. They say they're content and leading full lives. These days, women are bombarded by articles and shows declaring "Oops, I forgot to have kids" and "Baby Panic!" - all aimed at some female baby machine. I have news for the world: we don't all have the same empty womb yearning to have a mini-me to love. Madelyn Cain (a mother herself) and author of The Childless Revolution says women who make the choice to be childless rarely express a "flicker of doubt" about their decision. Which brings me back to the noodle shop.

I waited until Mom had something in her stomach.

"Mom, I think you should know something." Big pause - she stopped, mid-slurp. "It's just that I don't think I'll ever have children. I know I don't want them." She made a small, choking sound. Putting down the chopsticks that were in her right hand and the ceramic soup spoon that was in the other, she looked into my eyes.

"Why don't you want them? Children can be so wonderful, especially when you watch them grow up." Big smile.

"Mom, I have thought about this for some time. It's not something I can change." Smile gone. Eyes darken.

"Couldn't you just have one?" Lips pursed.

"It's not up for negotiation."

"At least replace yourself." Arms crossed. This was a response I had no rebuttal for. I was speechless. Sigh. Another one for the fallopian files.